Words I Live By: Loyalty

I'm going literal with this week's "Words I Live By" because it's actually just a single word.

Loyalty 

I'll start with a couple defintions:

• Being loyal can take on a few different forms: loyalty to a person, loyalty to a cause, loyalty to certain beliefs. And in that sense, what it means is that you don't stray from the moral code and guidelines that are implied by whatever relationship/affiliation you have with said person/cause/belief. 

• Having someone be loyal to you means trusting your friend/partner to not do you wrong or hurt you, knowing someone will always help you if you need it, understanding that someone else understands you and your intentions completely. At least, that's what it means to me. Maybe you have other ideas?

Loyalty is one of those things that you don't realize how important it is until you experience the opposite of it. Once you know disloyalty, how can you be on board with anything else but loyalty?

Throughout middle school and high school I was lucky enough to have probably the greatest group of friends a 13-18 year old could ask for. My friends and I were all nerds. We loved Student Council. And we never fought. Over time, I got spoiled thinking that all friendships were like this--never worrying if your best friend was secretly mad at you, or talking about you behind your back. 

And then, I learned that they weren't all like that.

And it hurt. A lot. And it was confusing and scary and unsettling to know that something I had learned to be true--that all close friendships were positive ones--maybe wasn't so true.

Lots of people learn about loyalty and disloyalty through relationships. To me, loyalty within a romantic relationship isn't different from loyalty in a platonic friendship. If you say that you would never cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should also be saying you would never sell a friend out. Loyalty is loyalty--it's something that you either practice, or don't practice.

Like I said earlier, loyalty is something that matters once you realize how badly disloyalty hurts. Or once you realize how badly you feel when you are disloyal to someone else.

I've felt both. You probably have too--in some degree or another.

It's easy to look back and find a time where someone has been disloyal to you.

Ever noticed that when you're playing "Never Have I Ever" and someone says "never have I ever been cheated on" almost everyone puts down a finger? Everyone's got a story about the time they were cheated on....

But then have you noticed that when you're playing that game and someone says "never have I ever cheated on someone" barely anyone admits to it?

Look, I'm not a mathematician, but statistically, this just seems impossible. If 9/10 people have been cheated on, but only 1/10 people has cheated...who the hell is doing all this cheating that is supposedly going on?? That 1 guy or girl is REALLY making the rounds, huh??

My point is--it's hard to admit to yourself, and to others, that you've been disloyal. But it happens. And it's worth fixing so it doesn't happen again.

Whether it's loyalty for and from those that you love, or for an idea or cause that you believe in, loyalty, in my opinion, is something that everyone should learn, live, and expect nothing less than.

To end on a high note, I really do believe that if you are loyal, you will find loyalty in others. 

I know that I have.


“You think I'm a fool?" demanded Harry.
"No, I think you're like James," said Lupin, "who would have regarded it as the height of dishonor to mistrust his friends.”

-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Words I Live By: Be Kind...

Continuing this "Words I Live By" series, I have a much shorter one for this week:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle."
-Supposedly this was said by Plato, but no one really knows

Of all the things people try to make themselves (smart, successful, rich, popular, etc.) kind is something that can often get overlooked.

Which is understandable because I feel like we use "nice" as a synonym for kind, and expressions like, "Oh yeah, she's nice" get thrown around without really meaning anything. So kindness gets really downplayed. Like, anyone who isn't a sociopath is considered "nice." It's not really something you have to work too hard to achieve.

But if you really think about it, being kind is a lot more than just someone shrugging and saying "yeah she's nice." To be kind you are going out of your way to do good for someone. You are putting aside an impulse to be selfish, or to be impatient, or to save yourself hassle because you know it will make someone else's day easier or better.

The other half of this quote revolves around a really important life fact: we are all the same.

Of course, we are all unique and different, and whatever other stuff your parents told you when you were little to make you feel special. But everything in life can always be looked at from both sides, and the flip side to "you are unique" is that "everyone is the same." We all generally want to be healthy and happy and comfortable, we all think that we are the most important people in the world, and we all have problems. Sure, some people's problems may be more severe than others, but to the person who only knows how it feels to have their own problems, it's all relative. So, everyone is always fighting some sort of battle, whether it be publicly known, or an internal battle. Everyone's always got something going on that's weighing on them.

We owe it to others to always keep this in mind.

I feel like it's kind of weird to end posts about a quote with another quote, but I can't give up the tradition now!

Since I feel like my impatience most often gets in the way of my kindness I'll go with this one:


"Patience is the most necessary quality for business, many a man would rather you heard his story than grant his request."
-Lord Chesterfield

Words I Live By: Jane Eyre

Lately I've been having some writer's block. I've been busy working, and going on vacation, and thinking about going on vacation, and creating excuses to not go to the gym, and because of that I've had a harder time posting blogs. 

So I started trying to motivate myself to write more. And I did this by revisiting some of my favorite articles, books and quotes. 

I'm a sucker for a good quote (which is why I end every post with one), and it's probably my ultimate writing goal to compose at least one sentence, at some point in my life, that resonates with someone as much as certain writings have resonated with me.

Good writing isn't about technically sound sentences, or using the biggest, most descriptive words. It's about summing up all the nuances of a complicated situation in a sentence, or a paragraph, or a chapter. It's about convincing others that you know how they feel, and you know why they feel how they feel.

So, I've decided that my next couple posts are going to be about various writings that have stuck with me over the years, that I keep going back to for inspiration, and that comfort me or motivate me in one way or another.

Probably my favorite book of all time is Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. And I've decided that it's my favorite book because of a single chapter.

Jane is a young girl at a strict boarding school in the nineteenth century. She was sent there by her wicked aunt, Mrs. Reed, who just wanted to get rid of her. At school she meets a girl named Helen Burns, and the two fall into a discussion after Helen is hit for not paying attention in class. Jane, who is a bit hot-headed, talks to Helen about why she could never endure what Helen endured. And Helen, who is pretty much a saint, explains why she endured it.

I've skipped some of the middle parts so I don't lose you, but do your best to work your way through this. I'll even bold the best parts!

"But then it seems disgraceful to be flogged, and to be sent to stand in the middle of a room full of people; and you are such a great girl: I am far younger than you, and I could not bear it."

"Yet it would be your duty to bear it, if you could not avoid it: it is weak and silly to say you CANNOT BEAR what it is your fate to be required to bear."

I heard her with wonder: I could not comprehend this doctrine of endurance; and still less could I understand or sympathise with the forbearance she expressed for her chastiser. Still I felt that Helen Burns considered things by a light invisible to my eyes. I suspected she might be right and I wrong; but I would not ponder the matter deeply; like Felix, I put it off to a more convenient season.
...

"Well, then, with Miss Temple you are good?"

"Yes, in a passive way: I make no effort; I follow as inclination guides me. There is no merit in such goodness."

"A great deal: you are good to those who are good to you. It is all I ever desire to be. If people were always kind and obedient to those who are cruel and unjust, the wicked people would have it all their own way: they would never feel afraid, and so they would never alter, but would grow worse and worse. When we are struck at without a reason, we should strike back again very hard; I am sure we should—so hard as to teach the person who struck us never to do it again."

"You will change your mind, I hope, when you grow older: as yet you are but a little untaught girl."

"But I feel this, Helen; I must dislike those who, whatever I do to please them, persist in disliking me; I must resist those who punish me unjustly. It is as natural as that I should love those who show me affection, or submit to punishment when I feel it is deserved."

"Heathens and savage tribes hold that doctrine, but Christians and civilised nations disown it."

"How? I don't understand."

"It is not violence that best overcomes hate—nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury."
...

"Then I should love Mrs. Reed, which I cannot do; I should bless her son John, which is impossible."
...

Well," I asked impatiently, "is not Mrs. Reed a hard-hearted, bad woman?"

"She has been unkind to you, no doubt; because you see, she dislikes your cast of character, as Miss Scatcherd does mine; but how minutely you remember all she has done and said to you! What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart! No ill-usage so brands its record on my feelings. Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity, together with the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs."

In my time, I've been known to register a few wrongs. I've been inclined to strike back at those who I believe have struck me for no reason. Sometimes I have to be reminded that hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I feel like Jane in this chapter sums up exactly how I'm inclined to feel when I perceive something wrong has happened to me. And reading Helen's response always reminds me to just chill the heck out.

Peace. Love. Helen Burns.

I promise that some of my other "words to live by" will be shorter than this. But not all of them.

It seems only right to wrap this up with another great Jane Eyre quote.

“No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"
"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.
"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"
"No, sir."
"What must you do to avoid it?"
I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.”

-Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

Jane is such a badass.

How Cliche!

I'm not big on cliches and generic, canned phrases that people always use to sum up a variety of situations. I'm not an "everything happens for a reason" sort of girl. Or an "if you love someone let them go" kind of person.

However, there are definitely a couple of cliches that I'm on board with. Sometimes you just can't dispute evidence that proves that these phrases are straight truth.

"It's a small world." -- Seriously, it is SUCH a small world. And this is both comforting and terrifying to me. I have learned over and over again that even when you say goodbye to people, there is a really good chance you'll run into them again. Sometimes that's a great thing, and sometimes it's a really annoying, terrible thing. There are lots of Murphy's Law-type rules when it comes to the "it's a small world" principle:

• If you say something mean about someone in public, you will say it within earshot of someone who happens to know them.
• If you see someone from college or high school and think to yourself, "Hm, I haven't seen them in FOREVER," you will inevitably see them everywhere you go for the next 6-12 months.
• If you just begin dating someone, you will soon after meet someone, or catch up with an old friend who happens to know their most recent ex.
• If you meet someone brand new, say, on vacation, you will meet their cousin or someone else who knows them in the next month.

"Good things happen to good people." -- This is not to say that bad things never happen to good people, or that good things never happen to bad people, because of course, that's just not true. But I really do believe that when it all nets out, good people have it better. I also have learned over time that good things happen to positive people. Essentially, you get what you expect to get in this world. And if you expect the worst, that's what you'll find. But I'm not sure they've turned that into a cliche yet, so in the meantime I'll stick with "good things happen to good people" -- even though "good" and "positive" do not always go hand in hand.

"The grass is greener on the other side." -- Ok, I really only strongly advocate this phrase when it comes to girl's hair. The grass is always greener on another girl's head. Err--ok so that doesn't translate well. What I mean is that every girl with curly hair wants straight hair, and every girl with straight hair wishes their hair would curl. The hair care industry thrives on this principle. Perms and curlers and straighteners and sprays and gels and chemicals exist so girls can force their hair to do what other girl's hair does naturally--but you would never know her hair does that naturally because she's too busy forcing her hair to do what another girl's hair does naturally. 

So,  while I may not be down for the "everything happens for a reason"s of the world (which is another blog topic for another day), there are at least a few other expressions I can get behind.

"Someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side. Well, I took a visit, and it's possible I missed it. It seemed different yet exactly the same."

-Macy Gray, "In Between" ...yes, the As Told by Ginger theme song

"You love the Red Sox, but have the Red Sox ever loved you back?"

(I promise I'm not becoming a sports blog. I just have been thinking a lot about sports lately. I'll write about cute furry animals or something next week to make up for it.)

Loving a sports team is almost always a heartbreaking experience at the end of the season. Every year only 1 team's fans are truly satisfied. Oftentimes when I see my favorite teams lose in the playoffs, I find myself wishing that they just hadn't made it to the playoffs at all. (I remember reading this article when the Patriots lost the Superbowl in 2012 and feeling pretty crappy afterwards.)

Being dedicated to a sports team can take up a lot of time, effort and money: reading articles, watching the actual game, celebrating or mourning the outcome of the game, watching their rivals games, celebrating or mourning the outcome of those games, buying their memorabilia, buying tickets to the games, etc. It can be exhausting.

And for what gain? This is what people who don't love a sports team always ask. What do you get out of this? As they said in the wonderfully terrible movie Fever Pitch with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore: "You love the Red Sox, but have the Red Sox ever loved you back?"

When people ask this question, they ask it rhetorically because they think the obvious answer is no. Big Papi has no idea who I am, so how could he possibly love me?

But while the obvious answer is no, the correct answer is actually yes. Sports teams, in general, absolutely love their fans, in general. They talk about us all the time. They love playing at their home arena or field because we are there rooting for them. They hate playing at other people's arenas or fields because we aren't there. Their teams wouldn't exist as they know them if it wasn't for our support. They need us to be interested in them, and to love them.

Loving a sports team is no less reciprocal than your average relationship. Lots of relationships out there aren't perfectly aligned--one person may give more sometimes, or one person may love the other a little bit more, or one person may be more dedicated. But it takes a lot of crap before your friends start to ask you what you're really gaining from the relationship. (Sometimes in extreme cases you suspect that the other person may just be a sociopath who doesn't care about anyone, cough cough, Manny Ramirez.)

So, you may think it's dumb when people get upset over their favorite team losing in the playoffs, just as much as you may think it's dumb when your friend is all bent out of shape over his or her crappy relationship coming to an end, but in the latter case you usually at least fake some empathy for them. So why not at least muster up some fake empathy when it comes to sports heartbreak too?

I'll leave you with this quote from John Elway that proves that sports heartbreak goes both ways. They just want us to love them, too, guys!!


"There is no fall as far as when you lose the Super Bowl. The second you lose, you drop all the way back to the bottom, down there with every other team that played that season. It's like you did nothing. The minute it's over, they literally start bumping you out of the way to set up the ropes and the award stand. It's like, 'Uh, can you move, please? We've got some people to celebrate here.'"
-John Elway

Inner Monologue of a Could-Be Sportscaster

Note: This blog post was originally supposed to be about how I could be a sportscaster because most of the stuff they say is dumb and obvious and I think I could do better. But halfway through, I started to realize that it probably wasn't true. So I began to argue with myself. And instead of just deleting this post and starting over, I've decided to just let you see what it's like to be inside my brain for a couple of minutes. Enjoy.

You know how sometimes you look at someone else's really cool or high-paying job and you think to yourself, "I could totally do that!"?

There are usually two things that prompt you to say something like that:
1.) The job looks so simple that surely anyone with a brain could perform it
2.) The person who currently has the job is so terrible at it that you are convinced you couldn't possibly do any worse than they do.

When I watch sports, I can't help but think about #2 as I listen to the sportscasters.

When I was younger and didn't care as much about sports, I would listen to the sportscasters and think that they knew everything. But then I got older, watched games more often, and realized that it was more just the fact that I knew nothing that made them seem like they knew everything.

The vast majority of what they say is so painfully obvious that it's actually comical:

"I cannot stress enough the importance of every player playing their best in these playoff games."

"They really need to score here."

Or, they are spouting the most random statistics that have no actual meaning:

"This is the 5th time in the past 6 seasons that this team has been trailing by 7 or more points with 10 minutes left in the 2nd quarter."

Now, the thing is, while part of me is fairly certain that I could be a better sportscaster than at least half of all the people on the air, the other part of me asks, "well, how would you do that Jenny?"

And the answer is that I have no idea. I'm sure I would say the same dumb stuff they all say because it's hard to talk for 3 hours straight and not say something unintelligent or uninformed or stupid sounding. Sometimes I can't even say a single sentence without sounding like that. Like when someone wishes me a happy birthday and I say "Thanks! You too!" ...that's only 3 words and I still manage to mess it up.

Although, then again, I'm not getting paid to speak to people. Maybe I'd be more on top of my game if I were.

Note: The positive thing about this circular argument is that I now know what I'd do for my on-air act. I'd just argue with myself like I do in this blog. I'd be like those two heckling muppets but you'd only have to pay for one of me!

See?? I could totally do this sportscaster stuff.


"And then I said to myself, 'Kyle,' ....That's what I call myself. Kyle."
-Eric Matthews, Boy Meets World

Baby Steps to Self-Improvement

Awhile back, I wrote about useless verbal filler, and how I cringe when I say terrible things like, "alrighty then."

Along those lines, I'm realizing that there are lots of other little things that I say or do that I really wish I didn't. These things don't keep me up at night or anything. It's more just that every time I find myself doing or saying these things, I sigh a little bit to myself and silently (and falsely) vow to never do or say that ever again, and then I move on.

For example, I wish I didn't:

• Say "OOH sorry!!" every time I bump into someone, or even when they bump into me
• Yawn without covering my mouth
• Yell "wooo!" when I slip, trip, stumble or fall
• Say "me too!" whenever someone says they're tired
• Become a stuttering spaz every time I answer my phone at work
• Respond to compliments by saying something like, "Oh this piece of crap shirt? I got it at Target."
• Forget to put someone's address in my phone after promising to myself, "THIS time I'm going to put their address into my phone!"
• Put my phone on my lap while driving, only to then get out of my car, forgetting my phone is on my lap, and have it crash all the way to the pavement
• Use ellipses...in every tweet that I write (seriously, go check out my Twitter. I have a problem.)
• Ever talk about how many calories I'm consuming. I'm already eating them, so the damage is done. Plus, no one cares.
• Excessively use "haha" in all forms of online communication

That list is not comprehensive, but it's a good start.

Maybe I'll just focus on tackling two or three every week. If I can go one whole week without errant use of "haha" or "ooh sorry!" I would call that week a success.

Baby steps, people, baby steps.

"...I have really bad breath in the morning?"

"Ew."

-Mean Girls