"What was I just gonna do?"

There's a lot of thinking required of us as human beings. We have a lot of things we can severely mess up if we aren't thinking for even just a few seconds.

That being said, it's a little scary how often I find myself doing things without even the smallest amount of thought. And when no thought is going into what I'm doing, I usually end up doing the same thing every time.

For example, when I'm not paying attention when I open up my web browser to research something for work I end up typing "www.facebook.com" Then as I'm staring at the Facebook homepage wondering how and why I got there, I'm forgetting why I opened the browser in the first place.

When I'm not thinking as I'm walking somewhere in my house to get something I always end up in my kitchen. Usually staring blankly at all the cabinets. Why did I come here? Oh well, guess I'll grab a snack.

When I lose track of what I'm doing when I turn on the TV I, without fail, end up on the ABC Family channel. I'm 23 years old. Why does that happen?

When I'm walking down the street getting lost in random thoughts, I apparently default to a really mean face. Because it's not uncommon that strangers tell me to smile, or ask me if I'm OK.

When I'm walking through CVS absentmindedly I end up buying EVERYTHING. What the hell did I just spend $70 on??

I guess none of those thoughtless actions are particularly damaging, which is lucky. What if every time I zoned out turning on the TV I ended up buying something on Pay Per View? That could be more costly than a distracted CVS run!

This is somewhat related and in no way a conclusion to what I was just talking about. But you know what's funny? When you're mid-conversation with someone on the phone and you can tell they've totally stopped paying attention. Especially when they're the one talking.

"....SQUIRREL!"
-Dug, UP!

No judgment.

So ever since I wrote about my opinion on internet security/privacy I've done a little careful monitoring of the things that bother me about the internet and the things that don't. For example, I've discovered that it really irks me that when you Google search my name, a tweet of mine about The Bachelor from 5 months ago comes up first. But you have to scroll down to find my 4 years of collegiate track stats. That's fair.

I've also noticed my Google search activity, and found that my biggest issue, ever since I found out that Google essentially tracks everything you type, is that I'm embarrassed or self-conscious about what I'm searching. And I'm willing to bet I'm a pretty squeaky clean member of society compared to some of you dogs out there! (none of MY readers of course though..you guys are great.)

But seriously, I find myself altering what I type into the tool bar just so Google doesn't judge me.

i.e."A friend of mine who isn't me wants to know if any restaurants take reservations for 1"

"Someone asked me to look up the lyrics to Miley Cyrus's 'The Climb'"

"Movie times for Katy Perry's A Part of Me in 3D...so I know when NOT to go to the theatre"

"I'm doing a school project on the Charles Manson murders"

They're making me so self conscious! I don't want anyone thinking I'm obsessed with Charles Manson...I just got curious once! If something bad ever happens to me I don't want the police to bring up my search history and make extremely irrelevant searches into relevant case points. I just like knowing the words to emo songs!! I'm not suicidal! Give me a break!

"The problem with quotes on the internet is that it's hard to verify their authenticity."

-Abraham Lincoln

"A Few Minutes with Me"

Most of the time when people tell me I look or act like someone, I completely disagree with them. When I was little I hated when people would tell me I looked like Julia Roberts. Because, to me, she looked like a horse. Now that I'm older, if someone told me I looked like Julia Roberts I'd be flattered...but of course, no one's mentioned it in years. Now I get told that I look like Katharine McPhee from American Idol and that new show Smash. I guess I can kind of see it sometimes? I've been told that my mannerisms remind people of Kristen Wiig, and sometimes my mom will tell me that I'm acting like my grandmother. And I have never been in particular agreement with any of these comparisons.

But, last night a friend of mine hit the nail SO directly on the head of who I am that I haven't really stopped laughing about it. I even called my mom to tell her...and I think she may still be laughing too.

I'm Andy Rooney.

When the heck did this happen?? I didn't even know who he was until last night!! 

If you don't know who he is either here's the Wikipedia summary:

"Andrew Aitken "Andy" Rooney (January 14, 1919 – November 4, 2011) was an American radio and television writer. He was most notable for his weekly broadcast "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney," a part of the CBS News program 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011. His final regular appearance on 60 Minutes aired October 2, 2011. He died one month later, on November 4, 2011, at age 92."

Apparently in this "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney" segment, he always appeared behind a walnut table (fun wiki fact: he built this table himself) and ranted about completely trivial things.

It's one thing to aspire to be like someone in your life...but when you are a 23 year old girl it's a bit shocking to find out on one random night that you're the spitting internal image of a feisty old (and now dead) man. (I assume since he was born in 1919 that maybe our political/social views may not align...so I reserve the right to be different from him in that sense.)

Anyways, here are a few videos of Andy Rooney. Imagine these monologues as blog posts and tell me they wouldn't fit seamlessly into my blog! I'm so creeped out.

"People have often told me I said the things they are thinking themselves. I probably haven't said anything here that you didn't already know, or have already thought. That's what a writer does."

-Andy Rooney

...I swear I say something just like this in my first blog post. WHYYY am I this 92 year old man?!?

You know you're reading a blog if...

Do you ever question what year you were born in?

Have you ever wondered if you resided in a specific geographical location? Boston perhaps?

Have you ever asked yourself while sitting in your college dorm, "do I attend college?"

No? Me either. But then why in God's name are lists like, "You know you're from Boston if..." "You know you're a 90s kid if..." and "You know you go to college if..." so popular?

If I say "water fountain" instead of "bubblah" does that really change where I grew up? Does that make me any less from Boston? Can I skip out on Massachusetts taxes please?

What about if I use my turn signal when I change lanes? Are the birthers out there going to be checking my birth certificate?

I'm confused as to the point of these lists. And I'm also confused as to why I sometimes enjoy reading them. I wish I didn't.

(Side note: NO ONE says "wicked pissah" so can all you list makers out there remove that from the "You know you're from Boston if..." lists?)

(Side side note: If you're thinking, "I totally say wicked pissah" you're lying to yourself. Or you constantly get laughed at by your friends. And not in the "we're laughin with you cuz you have a wicked killah Bahston accent kehd" sort of way.)

Do they make these lists so Facebook friends can argue over who's "The most Boston of them all?" or "The most 90s of them all?" ...how can one person born in 1988 be more from the 90's than someone else born in 1988? That doesn't even make sense.

But anyways, I like to end things on a positive note, so the one good thing I can say about these "You know you're _____ if you ____" lists is that they are a step above the old lists from the AOL Instant Messenger Away Message days that went something like,

Top Ten Reasons To Date a Wrestler
(Courtesy of angelfire.com)
10. Knows how to ride
9. Never stalls on the bottom
8. Can score from any position
7. Knows how to use his hips
6. Can work a 2-on-1
5. Goes hard from start to finish
4. Endurance, endurance, endurance.
3. Knows when to push and pull
2. Will eat anything
1. Always wears his headgear

You can tell they ran out of reasons as they got to the bottom because...are wrestlers, in fact, willing to eat anything? Most wrestlers I knew starved themselves. Otherwise, they weren't anymore adventurous in their eating habits than the next guy. ...And why would I want to date someone who always wears headgear? That's weird.

[Editor's note: 1 month and 4 days later I FINALLY understand the headgear thing. You know when you can't figure out the answer to a question and you're too stubborn to Google search it, but then you wake up in the middle of the night and say, "SALLY FIELD!!" Just had one of those moments here. So I'll give them that one. But I maintain that number 2 is a pretty weak one.]


"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, 'no, actually I'm a giraffe.'"
-Richard Gere

Get with the [online] program!

At work I have a lot of clients that deal with internet security. Learning more about the topic inspired me to change my passwords to ridiculous things like T#djn3*xx%A (that's not really my password for anything so don't bother.) But one thing I refuse to let knowing more about the internet do is make me paranoid to put any information on there. Because avoiding the internet is really inconvenient. It is completely ridiculous to balance your checkbook on paper when you can just check your statement online (Dad...). It is a lot easier to find out where the hell you are when you allow Google maps to access your location.

Mostly I justify giving multiple websites information about myself by assuring myself that I am really not that important. If Facebook has nothing better to do than click through some old pictures of mine that I thought I deleted...that's probably a bad sign for business. If they want to re-purpose any of my pictures for any sort of marketing...they are really hurting for material.

Maybe if I was someone who actually mattered in the larger scheme of life, politics, etc. I would care more about my online presence. Not that I'm reckless about it now anyways...that's just common sense. But maybe it's time for everyone to just adapt to the internet age. In the past there was never a forum, accessible 24/7 that offered infinite ways in which to both ruin your reputation, and simultaneously broadcast it to the world. Things are different now. It's a lot harder for people to mask their idiocy when their common sense doesn't always move at 4G speeds.

I completely understand people will not agree with my viewpoint about accepting the internet for what it is (a highly convenient tool that usually requires more information from you for the sake of becoming even more convenient for you) and adapting accordingly. But these same people will also not be current with relevant and useful technology, and will be missing out on a lot of great things. If you do not have a Facebook you are out of the loop. You may not care to be in the loop...but I'm judging you for it. People have this fear that technology is ruining our lives. Facebook is ruining our communication skills. Instant Messenger is ruining our ability to speak in complete sentences. But these people are the same type of people who refer to the 1950's and 60's as the "good old days" even if they weren't around for them. Ahh, the good old days of segregation and the Red Scare. Sounds awesome.

There will always be people who hide their money under their mattresses because they don't trust banks. And look, you can go through your whole life being fearful of things...there are enough giant banking scandals, websites losing millions of credit card numbers etc. to confirm and perpetuate these fears...but the bottom line is that, to me at least, it is not worth it to be this way. The world is changing the way it operates and if you don't adapt it will leave you behind. Regardless of whether you view that as a good thing or bad thing, it is a fact. For those of us who embrace the change, just continue to be smart, practice moderation, and think before you hit send. Of course there is always a risk, but what super-tool wouldn't come with any drawbacks?

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you might miss it."
-Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller
...if you haven't picked up on it yet, some of these quotes are really only partially relevant to what I write about. I know Ferris Bueller wasn't really referring to missing out on technology when he said this. I just like the quote.

Whatever helps you sleep at night!

Usually I would say that I'm someone who's pretty honest with myself. I can acknowledge when I'm being ridiculous or inappropriate, or making a mistake. I can also acknowledge when I did something positive, or went above and beyond of what was expected of me. That being said, I find it quite horrifying how easy it is for me, an honest person, to lie straight to my own face.

I do it all the time. But I try my best to use the power for good and not evil.

I first realized that lying to myself worked like a charm when I was running. I would go out for runs, and as I was getting about a mile away from home the desire to stop and walk would become overwhelming. So I began to tell myself, "Ok, you can start walking as soon as you get to the top of your street." But what I found when I got there is that I could probably push it a bit further, so then instead of walking I would sprint. And now that I figured this trick out, I do it all the time.

(As I get to my street corner I always imagine the active, in-shape half of my brain yelling "PSYCH! See ya at home sucker!" to the lazy half of my brain that wanted to walk....does that make me schizophrenic?)

Now, I wouldn't recommend that technique for everyone, because some people really will stop. I find that the trick works better the more self-hatred you have. ...No, I'm joking. But honestly, it works best on those of us with a guilty conscience. I know that I'll feel bad if I walk the last quarter mile of my run, but when I'm 3/4 of a mile away from home I just need to be fake-nice to my mind to get me through that brutal half mile. Then the rest is just the home stretch. You can deal with that when you come to it.

I find this is true of lots of other things besides working out too. All my brain really needs to get through a tough time is some sense that it has an out--no matter how fake or non-genuine that out is. (Side note: ingenuine isn't a real word?! News to me.)

Another time I lie to myself is when I tell myself that something I want to do or have already done is acceptable even though I have previously stated that whatever it is is most definitely not acceptable. (Side note again: HATE when I write myself into a position where I have to use "is is" or "do do" ugh. If I was less lazy I'd try to work around that.)

I bet you're familiar with these situations yourself. If you're questioning it I have the perfect test!

Have you ever said to yourself: "Well...it's different when I do it!" (Wow side note again, I'm putting myself in really tough grammatical situations tonight. Where the hell do I put the question mark that belongs at the end of that quote when I also want to use an exclamation point? I'm unsure so I've made the executive decision to just let it float. Prepare yourselves.) ?

Getting back on track...if you have ever spoken the phrase "It's different when I do it" chances are that it was not different at all and you are lying to yourself. Sorry. You can still do it if you want...I do all the time. Knowing you're a liar is the first step to...well...feeling better about your lies. And hypocrisy barely counts as long as you acknowledge it.
I need to face it. I had it right the first time when I said jeggings were a horrendous fashion trend. They were not any less horrendous when I wore them.

Maybe I'll work on this. But probably not, because I still want to get away with things.

"You lying little earwig!"
-Harry Wormwood (Danny DeVito), Matilda

Stop and smell the...Tyrannosaurus?

With so much technology these days, it is easy for us to take completely miraculous things for granted. (Sometimes my mind is blown just thinking about how fax machines work. I mean...you dial a phone number and it sends a message on paper!!)

But aside from brand new things that we take for granted, I argue that we also take extremely old things for granted too.

One word for you: dinosaurs.

Have you really thought about dinosaurs lately? Since we learned about them in, what? 5th grade?

I know you think I'm nuts right now, but I seriously want you to think about dinosaurs. Think about a T-Rex. A Tyrannosaurus-freaking-rex.

Want some stats?

According to Wikipedia a T-rex measured up to 42 feet in length (assuming that means from head to tail) and weighed about 6.8 metric tons.

Wanna know how much 6.8 metric tons is?

Just shy of 15,000 pounds.

Now, if you're like me, you're thinking that an elephant probably weighs more than that. And indeed, they typically do. BUT is an elephant a lizard?! Can you see its giant, meat-loving teeth? Does it have hilariously tiny forearms? Nope. An elephant has a big funny looking trunk that sniffs peanuts and unwraps bananas. That's harmless. A T-rex unwraps your skin from your body.

Ok so I obviously made that up. But if dinosaurs existed when humans did, I imagine they would have been able to do that.

When we're in 5th grade I don't think we can quite appreciate just how ridiculous dinosaurs were. So here's a website from Dino Don for you to brush up on some facts...http://www.dinodon.com/15facts.htm

"I have a big head, and little arms!"

-Some hilarious t-rex from Meet the Robinsons