Someday, You Will Hate Zooey Deschanel

The title of this post is a prediction. It may even be a promise.

And it's based on observations that we, as a society, rip through desirable stereotypes like 8-year-olds rip through Christmas presents.

Remember when Paris Hilton was cool? I promise, that happened. Kim Kardashian, too. They were style icons, they were party girls, and we couldn't read or watch enough about them. But if you ask most people about them now, the feedback is not going to be positive. Because "rich party girls" aren't "in" anymore.

We put these celebrities on media pedestals and then when they step out of line, or when we change our idea of what's desirable, we blow them sky high like they false started in the Hunger Games.

I've lost track at this point. Is Kate Upton beautiful today? Or is she fat? Have we decided which way we like her yet? It seems to swing entirely one way, and then entirely another based on the day. (Extra points to anyone who just thought to themselves: "I don't hate you because you're fat, you're fat because I hate you.")

Media coverage of Taylor Swift just recently changed from her being a great role model, to being a slut, to being a slut-shamer, to be an anti-feminist, to being a girl whose magazine covers don't sell enough copies so everyone must be sick of her face and her life and her sparkly dresses. The end.

Cute sparkly girls who like to fall in love are "out."

Oh, except if you're Zooey Deschanel. But she's a cute sparkly girl who we perceive as "not trying to be cute" and is dorky. We love dorky right now.

We love Jennifer Lawrence right now for the same reason. She's a dork. And sort of a bro. And she's someone you want to be best friends with.

Best friends are so "in" right now.

You know why Jennifer Lawrence fell up the stairs while going to accept her award for Best Actress at the Oscars? Because your best friend would never win an Oscar for Best Actress. And if she did, you would probably start to secretly hate her. And once you let the secret out to a couple people, and they say they've been secretly hating her too, then your hate stops being a secret. And then it's all over the internet that hating Anne Hathaway is so "out" and hating Jennifer Lawrence is "in." She's not our best friend anymore!! Tie her to the newsstands and burn her!

There is nothing you can tell me to convince me that she didn't fall on purpose...just so she could even things out a bit. People will still be jealous that their best friend won the Oscar for Best Actress, but at least they can snicker behind her back about the fact that she fell on the way up to receive it.

"Oh, my best friend is SUCH a klutz."

So, for now, dorky and funny and "best friend" is what's "in"...but what will be next? What celebrity stereotype will we tear down next to make room for the new cool way to be?

(By the way, starting to spend some time thinking about if we are this fickle with male celebrity stereotypes. I think that society definitely goes through phases of thinking huge muscle-men are "in" ...no, now it's skinny, sensitive guys...no, now it's kind of chubby, hairy but funny guys...no wait, back to the muscle-men, but muscle-men who love animals! I'm not sure male celebrities who personify an "out" stereotype are ripped apart as much as female celebrities though. Is there a guy equivalent of Anne Hathaway right now? Are people ever going to hate, say, Jon Hamm as much as they hate Anne Hathaway?)

Ending this now before I open a whole new can of worms.

"'When times are good we prefer actresses with rounder faces,' psychology professor Terry Pettijohn told Salon.com writer Daniel D'Addario..."

-"Why You Love to Hate Anne Hathaway," CNN.com
...like, what? Seriously?

Looking Forward to It

This Easter, my mom devised an awesome Easter egg hunt that led to adult prizes such as hand soap, scratch tickets and nips of vodka (Hm, that went downhill after the hand soap, eh?). But anyways, while I was happy to get candy and some really great smelling candles, it didn't match the excitement I used to feel waking up on Easter morning when I still believed in the Easter bunny. Same thing with Christmas now that I'm grown up.

This is a pretty common thing we not-quite-adults-yet-but-not-children-anymore's talk about. We talk about how we've lost the joy we used to feel for the small things. And even for the bigger things.

While holidays may not seem as magical, and candy and presents may not seem as life-altering anymore, I would argue that there are still some things that I get pretty excited about.

You may consider some things on this list pathetic. You've been warned.

-Concerts

-Drinking the night before Thanksgiving

-Vacation

-Premiers of my favorite TV shows

-Road trips

-Getting out of work early

-Having even a slight possibility of getting out of work early

-Free lunch

-Free anything. ...no seriously. Anything. Even samples at Whole Foods.

-Midnight premiers of really epic movies

-Sales at my favorite stores

Ok, now that I'm running out of ideas with this list it does feel a little bit sad. But I'm just going to avoid the sinking feeling that this list is all I have to look forward to in life and just wrap this post up. 

Oh--no. Nevermind. There's way more to look forward to. Like, getting married, having a family, dreaming about retiring early...

Ok. I'm feeling better again. I should really plan these posts out before I write them to avoid these sorts of emotional roller coasters I go through as I write them on the fly.


"The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads."
-'Twas the Night Before Christmas, by Clement C. Moore
(I have no idea what a sugar plum is and now that I'm not a child anymore I'll never even be able to dream of them again! Maybe I missed out on a great opportunity.)

Patience is a Virtue

Sometimes I get a little antsy waiting for things to happen gradually, and I find myself wishing that they just happened instantly. Have you ever cut your hair too short and felt like you would actually empty your entire wallet for the person that could immediately put it back to the length you really want? But you can't do that. You just have to wait. (Or buy a wig.)

So I started thinking of some other things that I get tired of waiting for, and wondered what would happen if those things happened instantly. Each one has some pros and cons.

- Season Changes: Yesterday was the first day of spring. Of course, that statement is complete crap because it in no way felt like the first day of spring. It was freezing and miserable. What if on the first day of each new season it immediately turned to what the season should be?

Pro: No wardrobe confusion--you know when you buy new spring clothes and you're really excited to wear them but can't because it's still 40 degrees? That wouldn't happen! 

Con: No more fall foliage. One of the greatest benefits of a gradual season change is watching the leaves change as summer ends and fall begins. But if this were to happen immediately then the turning of the leaves would become this really weird event where everyone has to go outside at whatever time they're going to change and just stare, waiting for it to happen. While that's much more climactic, I think it's probably better overall that that change is gradual.

- Snow Fall: When I was little I would look at the snow fall totals on TV, then look outside and always be disappointed when only 1 inch of the total 10 inches of snow had fallen. I just wanted all 10 inches of snow and I wanted it now. But what if it really all fell at once?

Pro: The sound effect. How amazing would the noise of 10 inches of snow falling everywhere all at once be? I'm imagining either "bunpphhhh" or "wommphhh." Indisputably, the noise ends in a "ph."

Con: Being outside when this happens. You've seen what happens when people try to knock snow off the roof of their garage and end up avalanching themselves. It looks fun in the "haha I'm so glad that's not me" sense. But that's about it.

- Turning a year older: Aging is something that is more gradual in some than in others, and more gradual during certain time periods than others. But regardless, it has to happen to everyone eventually. So what if each year on your birthday, all the aging you were going to do in that whole year just happened immediately?

Pro: Each year on your birthday, at least one person says, "So....do you feel any older??" And typically you cringe at that question because the answer is always "no" but you still have to come up with something witty or cute to say. If you aged immediately you could finally have an adequate answer to that question.

Con: I think the con here is rather obvious. Aging is something that most people try to avoid, and trick themselves into thinking they have avoided it because they see themselves every day and they don't notice the gradual, subtle signs. Aging 1 whole year in 1 day would not be subtle in any way.

I guess this may be one of those things that's best just staying an idea in my head. The cons probably outweigh the pros. 

Are you tired of waiting for things that you think should just happen immediately? Or is the waiting part what makes it fun? It can be painstaking to find out if your team is going to win the championship...but I'm not sure how awesome it'd be if they just played an entire season in one day.

Maybe some things are worth the wait. Or maybe some things require the wait to be worth anything. Would spring be as great if you didn't have to suffer through all of March to get to it?


"Don't care how, I want it NOWWW!"
-Veruca Salt, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

For the love of...beer

I feel like every year I meet another person who hates Valentine's Day.

"It's a commercial holiday."
"It's all a marketing ploy."
"I don't need a specific day to tell the people I love that I love them."
"All the restaurants are too crowded."

The list goes on...

But you know what's interesting? St. Patrick's Day is essentially the same holiday, but you don't hear any of those complaints.

Tell me that St. Patrick's Day isn't a commercial holiday. It's a complete ploy to boost alcohol sales and get people into bars. Ireland barely even celebrated St. Patrick's Day until they had to in order to keep up with Boston and other American cities that went nuts with it.

Also, just as you don't need a specific day to tell the people you love that you love them, you do not need a specific day designated for wearing green and drinking. It's not necessary. You could do that on a Tuesday. Or Thursday. Or Friday. Or whenever you want. And in Boston--people do. (I see you over there at Hurricane O'Reilly's with your flat-brimmed C's hat and jersey...)

And all the bars are PACKED. You think it's tough to get a reservation for Valentine's Day? Try getting into The Pour House or Whiskey's or The Black Rose on St. Patrick's Day. It's not any easier.

So basically what it comes down to is that we're more willing to celebrate beer than we are to celebrate love.

I'm trying to decide if I think that's OK or not. 

Why do we think it's worth it to put up with overpriced alcohol and crowds for the sake of drunk partying but definitely not for the sake of those we love.

When I put it that way it sounds terrible, doesn't it?

Oh well. We have another 11 months before Valentine's Day is upon us again, and St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner. So, this year we can all drink to forget and maybe next year keep in mind that Valentine's Day may deserve a little bit of...well...a little bit of love.

"Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems."

- Homer Simpson

p.s. I'm not typically a recipe girl but if you're looking for a good shot for St. Patrick's day...a Baby Guiness shot is amazing. Fill a shot glass 3/4 full of Tia Maria, and then SLOWLY pour Bailey's on top to fill the rest of the shot. It looks like a tiny Guinness in a shot glass and it tastes so good.

(Recipe courtesy of the lovely Willoughby family back in Ireland. Thanks guys!)

Ripping off the Band-Aid

Everyone always talks about whether to rip the band-aid off slow or fast.

No one stops to think about the fact that ripping off a band-aid barely even hurts anyways--it's maybe a 2 on the pain scale of 1-10 and it lasts for about 3 seconds. (Well--depending on how slow or fast you go, I guess.)

Why do we let mild and short-lived amounts of pain affect the decisions we make so often?

We're so conditioned to be afraid of pain (because pain is usually a sign of injury or illness and, at the end of the day, we're all just creatures that want to survive) that much of the pains we come to fear are completely irrational. Sometimes something that is painful actually ends up benefiting us.

Because I can't go more than a day without talking about it--I just got laser eye surgery. Shocking, right?? I bet you had no idea, because it wasn't plastered all over my Facebook and Twitter and blog and I wasn't shouting it from the rooftops.

(I can see 20/20 now. In case you hadn't heard that part.)

Sorry. What was I saying?

Oh yeah--I got LASIK, and before the surgery lots of people asked me if I was afraid that it would hurt. And my response was that I honestly didn't care how much it hurt because I was so incredibly sick of all things glasses and contacts that any and all pain would be completely worth it.

I imagine that there are lots of scenarios where this should be the case--your fear of pain subsides when you have a complete understanding that the reason you're experiencing the pain is for something positive.

You may not have no fear at all--but the fear isn't enough to stop you from doing whatever it is that will cause the pain.

Tattoos, I think, are another example. In my opinion, if you are debating not getting a tattoo because it will hurt, don't get the tattoo. You don't want it badly enough. If you really wanted it, the pain of it wouldn't be enough of a factor for you to consider not going through with it.

Because I'm always trying to use my instincts in my favor, I try to let my fear of pain guide me to making decisions. If I'm terrified to do something because of the possible risks (most of which are usually pain or harm-related) then I tend to just decide to not do it. Maybe I could live a little more on the edge. I've been debating that lately. How bad could falling off the edge really hurt? I guess it depends on what's below the edge...and how far below...and what I'll gain by living right there on that edge. Right?


"Pain is temporary, pride is forever."
-A quote that at one point was printed on the back of every single person's t-shirt in every weight room all over America. And maybe even the world.

Yes, I Have Seen the Movie Taken.

I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of people. I do a lot of observing, a lot of thinking, a lot of wondering why I do the things that I do. So most of the time when people do something kind of funny or weird, I can recognize where it may be coming from, or what is driving them to be that way. But lately I've noticed a funny quirk about people that I can’t quite pin down the motivation for.

I started realizing it when Katie and I were taking a trip to Seville and Paris. About 80% of the time that I told someone, “I’m going to Paris in May” the first words out of their mouth were either, “Ooh, have you seen the movie Taken?” or, “Hang on to your purse, Paris is full of pick-pocketers.”

To which I would kindly say, “I’ll be sure to be careful. I have a zipper on my bag and I keep it in front of me. I haven’t had any problems in Europe before.”

To which they insist, “Well yeah, but Paris is the worst city for pick-pocketers.”

Which is funny, because the prior year when I was going to Rome, Rome seemed to be the worst city in Europe for pick-pocketers.

Why is it that when you tell people something that should be really exciting, the first words out of their mouth have to be ones that temper your excitement? I know this is not what they’re trying to do. I have endless hope in humanity that the vast majority of people either want, or are totally fine with others being happy. But why the skepticism then?

This past weekend I got laser eye surgery (if you didn't notice from all my tweets and Facebook posts and me shouting it from the rooftops). It was probably the most exciting thing I've done since, well, going to Seville and Paris I guess. When I would tell people about it, the excitement in my voice was clear. Yet, almost without fail the responses would be, “Yikes, I could never do that!” Or, “Oh wow, hope it’s a good doctor.”

Like I don’t know that my eyes are a crucial part of my body. Like I wouldn’t have done the research until they expressed their concern that I should ensure my surgeon is experienced.

But again, they know that I have. They don’t really think that I haven’t thought the surgery through. It’s just a knee-jerk reaction, almost like an expression or cliché that you just can’t stop yourself from saying. [Shameless link to a post I wrote awhile back that I am now reminded of.] Critical responses have become verbal filler for us.

I know pregnant couples who have refused to tell anyone what they are going to name their baby until he or she is born. And while most of them don’t express it this way, I suspect it’s because they really don’t want to hear people say, “Ooh, Andrew? I went to school with an Andrew and he was a real a-hole.” Or “Aren’t you worried that if you name him William people will call him Willy? What a terrible nickname.”

These glowing pregnant couples don’t want to hear about how you once had a tax man that duped you and ever since then you just can’t bear to hear the name Thomas. Funny how they never seem to mention that the mechanic who helped them change their flat tire in the pouring rain was also named Thomas. It’s always the jerk that you think of first.

So, why is this? Why is happy news almost always met with words of caution?

And I’m not immune from this either. I’ve caught myself giving completely unsolicited and most likely unwanted advice before too. And it’s totally not my intention to rain on a parade. I have no idea what my intention is, in fact.

Little help here? Suggestions?

“After graduation Maryanne went out looking for a bright new world. Wanda looked all around this town and all she found was Earl.”

-Goodbye Earl, The Dixie Chicks 

(If you have ever heard this song, you most likely don’t ever want to name your kid Earl.)

Well-Deserved Complaints

In the age of social media and high-speed everything, people have the ability to be really loudly offended. So loudly offended, in fact, that hundreds of thousands of people can hear someone declare one tiny complaint. And as people love to hear the sound of their own voices, or see the beauty of their own words as they echo at warp-speed through the corridors of Twitter and Facebook, this is done quite often.

Therefore, the smallest issues seem to blow up. One celebrity says something kind of rude and all the sudden hundreds of thousands of people are up in arms. One business fires an employee and that employee gets 345,958 likes on Facebook to try to get her rehired (keep in mind, the vast, vast majority of these people have no idea why the employee actually got fired, they're just jumping on the "this is wrong, look how socially active I am" train.)

Side note--meme style:

So, it seems like we've become pretty sensitive. It seems like EVERYTHING offends us. And in large part, I'm not sure that's true. I'm not positive that as human beings we are any different in feeling than we were 50 years ago, or 100 years ago. I think we are just able to get our complaints out to a giant audience in a way that we never were before.

That being said, here is a list of things that I believe to be exactly as offensive and horrible and ridiculous as people complained that they were...if not more:

-Those Sunchip packages that were so loud they could puncture your ear drum

-Bic Pens for Women

-The plastic wrapping surrounding a DVD

-The twist ties holding Barbies hostage in their packaging

-Ashlee Simpson's on-stage jig as she was caught lip-syncing

-The fact that Jessica Simpson was pregnant for AT LEAST 14 months. At least.

-Booty pop jeans

-Any movie Adam Sandler has made in the past 2 years (and I'm being generous by only saying 2)

-Heidi Montag as a singer, as a celebrity, as a member of the human race...

-Courtney Stodden

-The Shake Weight

If you have any more examples of people/products/events that you truly believe deserved every tweet, Facebook comment and news story it got feel free to contribute!

"I mean, just think over the last 20 years, companies have spent millions of dollars on pills that grow men's hair and fix men's sex lives and now ladies have a pen."

-Ellen Degeneres on Bic Pens for Women