[Editor's note: Enjoy the irony of me calling magazines colorful, shiny and quick to read on my flaming orange blog full of posts that take no more than 5 minutes to read.]
I'll get my feminist rant out of the way first on this one. The majority of women's magazines bank on women not liking themselves to sell copies. Every article is about being skinnier, prettier, more desirable in bed, skinnier, more fashionable, skinnier, and not to mention, skinnier. They airbrush every person on the cover, and then insist that this 5'9, size 0 model has an "athletic figure." Being the javelin doesn't mean you're "athletic."
(Warning: If you've ever spent time with Rachel and I together, you've heard this next bit ad nauseum.)
The way magazines try to make you skinnier is absolutely hilarious.
"Craving that slice of double fudge chocolate cake?? Nosh on 7 almonds instead!"
HOW IS THAT IN ANY WAY EQUIVALENT?? AND WHAT THE HELL DOES NOSH MEAN??
"Hungry for that calzone filled with cheese and sausage? Try breathing in deeply and taking a sip of lukewarm water."
"Dying for a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked? Try some self control you fat pig."(...they should just tell it how it is, right?)
If they're not giving tips on how to lose weight, then they're giving out quizzes on how terrible of a girlfriend you are.
Between 0-3 Points: A neglectful girlfriend. You let your boyfriend roam alone entirely too much. He's most likely sleeping with other people. Be more assertive!
Between 4-6 Points: A regular girlfriend. You don't really do anything wrong but his friends will still try to convince him to break up with you. Try spicing things up in the bedroom and maybe he won't listen to them!
Between 7-9 Points: A psychotic girlfriend. Your nagging ways are weighing on the relationship. If you scored this many points you're probably taking this quiz in the tree outside of your man's house. Get down from there!
...No, but seriously, I do like reading the descriptions of the two extremes. (I always fall in the middle category because I'm boring and have also learned how to manipulate these quizzes)...tell me you haven't knocked points off your score before to be less crazy.
Ok, so if they aren't telling you to eat some celery then do a 75 minute elliptical workout, or giving you quizzes to decide just how terrible you are, then they're scaring the absolute crap out of you with absurd "true" stories.
"I Had a Drug Resistant, Non-Hereditary, Deadly Mystery Disease with No Symptoms"
"My Entire Extended Family Conspired to Murder Me"
"From Healthy Cheerleader to Oxygen Allergy Overnight"
Naturally, since I enjoy losing sleep at night, I read these stories all the time. And I always regret it.
By the time I'm done reading, I'm an almond-eating psycho who will probably die tomorrow. Magazines are fun!
"Eat your granola from a 4-ounce mug, not an 8-ounce bowl."
-Diet tip from "78 Ways to Cut Fat Calories from Your Diet" in Women's Health Magazine
Woah...eating less saves calories?? Who knew!?
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