Thursday, October 25, 2012

10:27

I'm of the belief that every good childhood should have at least one great friendship--one that sets the tone for all of your subsequent friendships, one that you can look back on and envy its simplicity when other things in life start to feel a lot more complicated. And if you're lucky enough, like I am, you can still call that person your best friend today. They are still the baseline from which you evaluate other relationships, and still the one you reach out to for simplicity.

Jessica and I have been best friends since 5th grade mainly under the pretense that we love to laugh. It was as simple as that. We had our differences--enough differences where an outsider looking in may wonder why were friends at all. And we also had our similarities--enough similarities where we could have become caught up in competition and ended up hating each other. But somehow, our differences kept our similarities in check. And most importantly, we found each other hilarious.

An integral and obvious part of friendship that is strangely overlooked sometimes, is how much you like the other person. I look around and I see so many friendships born from convenience, or even advantage. And I see that it results in two friends who, when it comes down to it, honestly don't even like each other. Growing up with Jessica taught me to never settle for such a relationship. I learned through her that the best friendships are the ones that come from a sincere desire to spend time with another person for no other reason than that you want to. To this day, that is all I look for in a friend, and it has resulted in the best collection of friends I could ever ask for.

Jessica and I will laugh about anything. We'll laugh at each other. We never miss an opportunity to capitalize on someone's mistake or misstep. (Currently remembering the time she silently watched me walk face first into a fire door on our way to lunch in high school. Her response: "I thought you saw it!!") We'll laugh with each other.(Like the time we both careened to the ground after fighting over a piece of paper in a conference room in middle school.) We'll laugh at other people. (Especially Jon when he went through his elementary school phase of following us everywhere...and accidentally followed us into the girl's bathroom at McDonald's.) (Apologies to Jon for being collaterally damaged in this post. Love you!) We laugh at TV shows and movies, and then laugh at each other as we re-quote those TV shows and movies, ("I have a new appreciation for the thong song"). We laugh at our parents, ("But I wanted to have a girls skating party!!"). The list could go on, because even on days where we weren't feeling particularly funny, we would force ourselves into some strange game or activity (sky dancer challenges, playing airplane, making ice cream, making whirlpools, etc.) that would ultimately result in one or both of us making a fool of ourselves.

Even now that, geographically, we are far apart, I never worry that anything will change. I have to believe that such a simple, sincere friendship cannot be rattled by anything. Sure, since the 5th grade lots of things have changed. We have changed. But I can't imagine a day where Jessica is no longer one of my favorite people. And that's a good enough qualification for a best friend as far as I'm concerned. Maybe the term "playing favorites" has gotten a bad rap.

Why shouldn't you be best friends with your favorite people? It's such a simple concept, but maybe one that I wouldn't have learned if it weren't for a great childhood friendship.

[In hindsight, I decided this post needed a picture. And this one was too perfect.]


Happy (early) birthday Jessica! As fun as it is to laugh at each other across the ocean, I can't wait until you're back here to laugh WITH me instead.

(P.S. Mancala was really not a fun game at all. Why did we play that so much?)


“You know what the secret is? It's so simple. We love one another. We're nice to one another. Do you know how rare that is?"
-Ann Brashares, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Friday, October 19, 2012

In Defense of Marshall Mathers

I've mentioned this in passing before, but I've finally decided it's worth revisiting. I love Eminem. Is that weird? ...It's probably a little weird. But I promise I have reasons to back it up.

[Disclaimer before we start: There are a lot of inappropriate words in this post. If you hate Eminem for the stuff he says right now, you probably won't like him anymore at the end of this. So you may want to sit this one out altogether. If you are an Eminem fan...extra points if you know which songs all the quotes I'm about to use come from.]

First off, he's completely ridiculous and 100% offensive and disgusting and rude. And I love it. I think the only reason it works is because he is so 100% about it. He doesn't dance around the point he's trying to make, he makes the point in the most blunt and over-the-top way.

My friend Rachel and I always end up completely accidentally playing this game where one of us will say something we're thinking. "I love cats." And the other person will expand on it, but make it a little more absurd. "You love cats...for dinner." Then the original person will expand more, making it more over-the-top. "Yes, I love cooking cats for dinner...that's what we had last time you came over." Finally, at the end what we come up with is so exaggerated and ridiculous we would have sounded insane had that been the original thing we said in the midst of conversation. "No no, I honestly only eat cats for dinner like, once a week maybe. They can get really pricey."

Eminem just cuts straight to the punch line of the whole thing: "I just want her back, I know I'm a liar. If she ever tries to fucking leave again I'm'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire." Yikes. "You don't know how sick you make me. You make me fucking sick to my stomach. Every time I think of you I puke." Soo...you're saying you don't like her?.. "So you can suck my dick if you don't like my shit. 'Cause I was high when I wrote this so suck my dick." Subtlety is not his strong point. It's actually not his point at all. But to explain why I like it so much, I'll go ahead and quote him again, "I'm like a head-trip to listen to 'cause I'm only giving you things you joke about with your friends inside your living room. The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all and I ain't gotta be false or sugar-coated at all." He's got a point there. He's essentially playing the game Rachel and I play, only he's way better at it.

The next reason I think Eminem is great is that he acknowledges and embraces the fact that he is hated...and that he's hated for a lot of reasons. And he raps about it...but not always to say that he doesn't care. Of course, most of the time he'll say he doesn't care: "I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die in plane crashes, and laughs as long as it ain't happenin' to him." "I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off!" But after his Relapse album was terrible, and he came back with Recovery and openly admitted the fact that his last album was terrible: "That last Relapse CD was ehh, perhaps I drove them accents into the ground..." I feel like a lot more people would like Justin Bieber if he'd just sing about how he's well aware that everyone over the age of 18 hates his music but he's not trying to appeal to anyone older than that anyways, so screw everyone! (Yeah, I just put Eminem and Justin Bieber in the same paragraph. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?)

Lastly, I love Eminem for rhetorical reasons. The guy uses literary devices like a champ. You have assonance: "And it seems like the media immediately points a finger at me..." Consonance: "'Cause I'm back na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na fix your damn antenna, tune it in 'n' then I'm gonna enter it in under your skin like a splinter..." Alliteration: "With his own private plane, his own pilot." Internal rhyme: "Picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times. Sick as the mind of the motherfuckin' kid that's behind." 

So there's my defense of Eminem. Like I said before, I doubt it will change minds. But it definitely should get some songs stuck in your head.


"Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records. Well I do, so fuck him, and fuck you too."
-Eminem, The Real Slim Shady

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bad Bromance

Typically, I am not too bothered by abbreviations. Of course there are the abbreviations that are widely accepted, like "info" and _____ <--insert your own example because I can't think of a second one. But I've even come to tolerate the new "abbreves" ...if you will. I've found myself saying "totes" or "obvi" here and there--always with some sarcasm behind it, but still, I've said it. I sometimes even absentmindedly say "BRB" when I leave a room. And I'm ok with it.

But for some reason that I can't quite articulate, I absolutely hate when people combine regular words with "man" or "mom," or any other gendered words.

Man-purse or murse

Man-boobs or moobs

Manorexia

Manscape

Bromance

Octo-mom

Bridezilla

Mompreneur (I swear I've seen that one...not making it up.)

Mommy-blogger

Really, I just want to end the post here. The most important part of this whole thing is me complaining that I don't like these words. But I feel sort of obligated to try to explain why.  So, I reluctantly give you the part where I attempt an explanation:

First of all, these are all cutesy, punny terms that have actually turned into terms that educated people use. That bothers me. "Bromance" and "bridezilla" should not be in someone's professional vocabulary. If you want to talk to your friends about how, "Oh em gee my boyfriend and your boyfriend are totes bromancing hard core" ...then fine. If I overhear your conversation I'm going to laugh at you, but there's no foul play, per se. But if I hear "manscaping" on the 6 o'clock news, I may just change the channel. Apparently "mankini" is now a word in the dictionary. What's a mankini you may ask? Have you ever seen Borat? ...Me either. But I still have the image of him in that god awful lime green thong suit thing occasionally rolling through my nightmares...that's a mankini.

Secondly, because these words are all cutesy and punny, they take away from the actual weight of the word they're paired with. "Manorexic" sounds really clever and cute, but not to a guy (or girl even) that actually has anorexia...which is a medical condition. I know I'm being a huge Debbie-downer about this, but seriously, you don't hear anyone calling cancer "mancer" so let's leave the medical terms alone.

Also, if I ever refer to myself as a "mommy"-anything...slap me. (If and when I'm actually a mom, that is. And if I ever refer to myself as "mommy"-anything when I'm not a mom...bring me to the appropriate institution.)

Are you convinced? I doubt it. But you know what, I'll let you keep your irrational fear of things like ketchup and cotton balls if I can keep my irrational hatred of these words. Deal?


"It's not a man-purse, it's a satchel!"
-Alan, The Hangover

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Get (ce)real!

I have a couple of quick bones to pick with Special K cereal.

First of all, the box it comes in is way too small. Or the flakes of cereal themselves are way too big. Or there is some proportion that is thrown off because I can never get more than about 2.5 bowls out of the box before it's empty. (And no, it's not possible that my cereal bowl size is just too large.)

Second of all, the little chocolate pieces in their chocolate cereal cling to the bottom of my bowl, and I have to scrape them up the sides and balance them on the very very edge of my spoon to eat them.

Third, what in God's name is a "red berry?" Why are you not calling them strawberries? Do fruit stands have the word "strawberry" copyrighted? Is it inaccurate to call the red crap floating in your cereal "strawberries?" That's really creepy. They look like sliced strawberries. If they aren't strawberries... then what are they?! I wouldn't let someone hand me a cricket while telling me it's "meat" and then just eat it without asking for any more specifics. For me, "meat" does not mean "perfectly ok to eat no matter what"...therefore, "red berry" does not either. Some red berries out there are poisonous, you know!

Lastly, the Special K diet is the dumbest thing in the world. You're not losing weight because Special K is healthy for you. You're losing weight because you're starving yourself by only eating cereal. You could probably go on a Cinnamon Toast Crunch diet and lose weight too. It's really not that clever or revolutionary that eating cardboard flakes leads to weight loss. (Quick side note about all the cereal commercials that show people who got skinny because they ate whole grains...the statement they use is "studies have shown that those who eat whole grains tend to weigh less." Which is because the same people who give a crap about their bodies enough to read a label to check that something is whole grain, are the same people who give a crap about their bodies enough to go to the gym, or not pig out on ice cream while watching Honey Boo Boo.)

Oh, and my last point was supposed to be my...well...last point (duh) but I actually have one more point to make. Which is that I really hate the word "special." Always have. It's like how people hate the word "moist." Every time I hear it I just imagine it being said with a lisp and it makes me cringe.

Maybe I should stop buying this stuff, huh?


"The snozberries taste like snozberries!"
-Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Friday, October 5, 2012

Gets me every time!

Sometimes, because I'm sarcastic and kind of critical, my mind will automatically jump to that side of things when I'm thinking about a certain concept. So a lot of what I write ends up being things that I don't like, or that I'm making fun of. And while that's fun some of the time, there are actually a lot more things in life that I like rather than don't like. So maybe I should start focusing on those.

(Note to self: begin less sentences with the word "so.")

A couple months ago I wrote about scenarios in movies that I can't handle. There are a lot of different tactics they use in movies that make me cringe. But at the same time, there are lots of things that, no matter how overused they are, still get me every time. If I ever made a movie I'd be sure to include the following things:

1.) The picture/short video clip montage. This is a ridiculously effective technique to save time in a movie. A minute long montage can establish two characters' close relationship, build an entire house, fast forward 30 years...you can really use it for anything. Because I want to make you cry today, here is a montage from the movie Up!

If you aren't at least sniffling you have no heart. But really, why is it sad? You knew Ellie for about 4 minutes. It's those damn montages that make you feel like you've known her and Carl for their entire lives!

2.) The shooting fake-out. This one gets me every time. The main character is in a position where it is almost certain he or she will be killed by a crazy gunman/gunwoman. Then, as the trigger is pulled, and the shot rings out, they zoom to the face of the main character, who then gives a look of surprise. The camera then pans over to the crazy gunperson and they are falling to their knees, having been shot by an unexpected third party. Clearly, Family Guy caught on to this awesome movie trend and used it here:


3.) The immediate contradiction. This is always funny to me, without fail. It's when the main character is saying "No, there is no way I am going to this party." Or "I am NOT NOT NOT doing that!" then the camera immediately cuts to a shot of them at the party, or doing the thing they had just said they would never do. Now, when you watch this next clip I want you to appreciate the fact that this took me way too long to find. And I didn't even find it. I had my brother, 2 co-workers, and various friends via Facebook helping me search for an example for this:


Now you know if I were to ever make a movie it would be a hybrid of Up!, Family Guy and Get Him to the Greek.

...Gosh, that sounds pretty terrible, doesn't it? I'll keep my day job.


"You need to fix the place up. Reinvent the Clam's image. And we'll help ya!"
"That'll take forever!"
"Not if we do a 1980's fixing stuff up montage!"
(Montage of the gang fixing and painting set to a new wave soundtrack)
"Wow, I think we made it worse."
"Boy, I do not envy whoever has to clean that mess up."
-Joe, Cleveland, Peter and Quagmire, Family Guy

Monday, October 1, 2012

Quarter-Life Crisis?

I am never one to think of myself as an adult. Every year when I become another year older, it takes me almost the entire year to remember that I am that new age. I consider myself a kid. I still look at reality TV stars and see people that are some age that I will surely never be. Remember watching the Real World and wondering if you would ever be 22 years old? I still feel that way. And I'm 23.

That being said, I've noticed myself saying a few shocking things lately. Things that adults say. Things that boring adults say.

Here's just a few examples of phrases I've caught myself saying in the past few months:

"Oh! I have a coupon for that tinfoil!"

"I just bought the CUTEST dishtowels!"

"I just wired the release over North American High Tech Hot Spots and for SEO the keywords are 'packet optical networking, bandwidth and mobile backhaul.'"

"I went to the Loft the other day and was really disappointed by the selection. It was so picked over!"

"Ugh, I should really keep some business cards in my wristlet."

"Why is Jeopardy not on?!"

I could go on but I think I've made my point.

When I list out all of those adult-like phrases, it sounds almost like I've grown up...into a person who finds joy in dishtowels (they're Halloween themed!!). And while this may be partially true, I do also find myself saying things that make me wonder if I'll ever actually grow up at all:

"Hi mum...quick question. How do you make a baked potato?"

"So he texted me and I was like, why didn't you just text me yesterday? And he was like, I forgot. And I was like, ok cool whatever."

"Oh. My. God. There's a Groupon deal for all of the Harry Potter DVDs!!"

"KILL THAT SPIDER!! I CAN'T DO IT!!!!"

"No matter how many times I watch this episode of Jersey Shore, it's still funny."

So...I guess I, thankfully, still have a ways to go before I fully blossom (wilt??) into the boring adult I will surely be.



“If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Not me!”

-J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan