Get (ce)real!

I have a couple of quick bones to pick with Special K cereal.

First of all, the box it comes in is way too small. Or the flakes of cereal themselves are way too big. Or there is some proportion that is thrown off because I can never get more than about 2.5 bowls out of the box before it's empty. (And no, it's not possible that my cereal bowl size is just too large.)

Second of all, the little chocolate pieces in their chocolate cereal cling to the bottom of my bowl, and I have to scrape them up the sides and balance them on the very very edge of my spoon to eat them.

Third, what in God's name is a "red berry?" Why are you not calling them strawberries? Do fruit stands have the word "strawberry" copyrighted? Is it inaccurate to call the red crap floating in your cereal "strawberries?" That's really creepy. They look like sliced strawberries. If they aren't strawberries... then what are they?! I wouldn't let someone hand me a cricket while telling me it's "meat" and then just eat it without asking for any more specifics. For me, "meat" does not mean "perfectly ok to eat no matter what"...therefore, "red berry" does not either. Some red berries out there are poisonous, you know!

Lastly, the Special K diet is the dumbest thing in the world. You're not losing weight because Special K is healthy for you. You're losing weight because you're starving yourself by only eating cereal. You could probably go on a Cinnamon Toast Crunch diet and lose weight too. It's really not that clever or revolutionary that eating cardboard flakes leads to weight loss. (Quick side note about all the cereal commercials that show people who got skinny because they ate whole grains...the statement they use is "studies have shown that those who eat whole grains tend to weigh less." Which is because the same people who give a crap about their bodies enough to read a label to check that something is whole grain, are the same people who give a crap about their bodies enough to go to the gym, or not pig out on ice cream while watching Honey Boo Boo.)

Oh, and my last point was supposed to be my...well...last point (duh) but I actually have one more point to make. Which is that I really hate the word "special." Always have. It's like how people hate the word "moist." Every time I hear it I just imagine it being said with a lisp and it makes me cringe.

Maybe I should stop buying this stuff, huh?


"The snozberries taste like snozberries!"
-Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory