Every Rose Has Its Thorn

To write what I want to write about today I have to first admit that I religiously watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and yes, even Bachelor Pad. Now that that's out in the open...

Sometimes when I watch these shows I try to envision myself being on them. How would the editors portray me? Which girl from which season am I most like? How far would I make it on the show? And after watching about 7 or so consecutive seasons I wonder why I even bother asking myself those questions anymore, when the answer so clearly is that I'd never be picked for the show to begin with! 

The main reason for me saying that is that I'm not insane. Sanity does not lead to fun TV. The second reason is that I don't have any cool twist or weird hobby. The ones that aren't insane on the show usually have a really exciting job, or some tragic past, or a crazy breakup story. Ben owned a vineyard, Ali worked for Facebook, Emily has a kid (not that you can tell from watching this season...she NEVER talks about it.) Brad was emotionally damaged and talked about therapy, Ashley was insecure and talked about how she wasn't Emily...

What would my hook be? I cringe to think of the minor details of my life that editors would have to turn into major details. 

Like...I enjoy running. I ran track in college. So would every group date be 7 bachelors racing a 400 for the rose? Painful! (Both to run and to watch.)

I like to read. Would my season be called, "The Bachelorette: A Brand New Chapter?"

I love my dog. Would I bring Haley with me in the limo to meet the Bachelor??

Whether I picture myself as the Bachelorette, or one of the contestants in a Bachelor season, the picture doesn't get any prettier.

And if by some miracle, or lack of any better options, I was picked to be on the show, I wouldn't last a week. As the Bachelorette, there would be nothing worse for me than 25 cheesy guys pining to talk to me. If you know me, you are most likely laughing at the thought of this, because you know I would literally have a mental breakdown.

And if I was one of the contestants fighting for the Bachelor I would probably just hide in the bathroom. Or maybe behind the bar...Not only am I not competitive enough to survive in that sort of situation, but I'm also terrified of girls, especially large groups of mean ones. It also pains me to see things that are wrong and not get involved. Any viewer of the Bachelor/Bachelorette knows that getting involved in house drama can be the kiss of death, unless, ironically enough, you are the source of all the drama. In that case you get the final rose. 

I sympathized with Ali complaining about Vienna, and Emily from Ben's season ratting out Courtney. As much as I yelled at my TV "JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!!"  I can't say that I wouldn't have done the exact same thing they did. And that's an issue.

How would you fare on The Bachelor/Bachelorette? What hobbies of yours could the show exploit? Would you be the weirdo who shows up dressed as a Storm Trooper, or with your pet goat?

"If that's what he wants, I am not what he wants. How can he look at her and think she could be his wife?"
 -Ali Fedotowsky, "The Bachelor"

Amen Ali, amen.